Hello I'm back! Too gloomy le... n no one bothers to listen to me... maybe cos i'm too irritating? haiz... i really need to throw out everything...

i really really really hate myself.. i have stayed stagnant for 1 plus year le! when can i ever hit 9.5 average??? People are improving fast, and yet i'm staying stagnant. People are overtaking me! but i'm still at the same spot.. this makes me feel very helpless!!! i really hope someone can help me... haiz but i do realize that i can shoot more 10s now... much more than before, maybe owe this to the 1 whole month of training everyday? I have neglected my schoolwork! all because of training, and i'm only the reserve. i really don't know how. i don't understand. is it because it is easier to improve when you're at the bottom but it's much more difficult to improve when you're at the top? even jinghuan is not really improving ba? sorta staying stagnant too, occasionally go up to 9.5 average.. anyway she has hit 9.5 average long long time ago in sec 2 or 3 i cannot remember.. haiz am i really not talented in shooting??? but can't be right, if i can even get into awc.. i always tell myself that i muz hav confidence in myself, but i juz cant do it. i start to encourage people, den after that i'll add that i'm actually telling that to myself. but what for? i encouraged myself, told myself all the right things that i should do, but yet i'm not doing it. i really cannot control my brain anymore.. it likes to drift away to thoughts that shouldn't appear in my head. and i juz complained again during training to kenneth they all that, my first 6 shots today were all 10s.. ran very smoothly too, until i suddenly got a 7.. and it's because i jerked. den after that? i dun dare to fire anymore!!!!!! i'll juz watch the sight revolve around the centre, den my head will tell me "fire! time to fire!" but my finger juz hesitates to pull.. cos i'm afraid i'll jerk again n it'll be a 7 or a 6... NIGHTMARE!!! and kenneth told me coach ho told him that "不敢打是射击的大忌" i totally agree.. haiz started to have this problem before the trials. but later matters became worst when i start to doubt my own position.. cannot find my position den during training, i started to twist here n there until my shots flew everywhere.. even the coach dun bother to see my cards anymore... i'm really really very sad and demoralised. sometimes i really feel like giving up everything. i dun wan to shoot anymore.. it always makes me sad.. still remember i often cried during sec 1 when i couldn't shoot. all the other girls namely jinghuan desiree and xiu rong can start to hit 160 already! i'm still at 120.. i always cry, why izzit that i cant shoot! i even put my msn nickname that "i'm dying to join st johns" cos that was my first choice.. really wanted to give up then, until i started to get 160, and the next moment i was the first one to hit 9 average.. how i wish this scenario will happen again! i really really want to hit 9.5 average.. i noe deep down my technics are already there, but why is my mental JUZ so low... I kept telling myself "敢敢打！敢敢打！这么稳了，没事的！" but still i will hesitate... i'm not bragging or what, but it's really quite stable le, but i juz dun dare to fire off, i wait till i start to shake like hell, den i fire, den after that? jerked off like dunno what until i get 8s, blah blah blah. my dad spent so much money on my suit, i even bought a new glove, i really dun wan to waste his money. i wan to do well! with all the money spent, i OUGHT to do well! but i juz cant live up to expectations! now i'm not even in the team, i dun dare to tell my dad. i dun wan him to be disappointed even though i noe he wun say that he is. i noe when he heard that i got kicked out of nyt, he was quite upset.. but he wans me to focus on my studies.. but my studies is horrible now! i dunno how i can face him, face the challenges in the future... i really need help! shooting is spoiling my mood everyday... i'm gloomy everyday now... when i reach home i dun even wan to do my homework.. i'll juz laze on the sofa and watch the tv expressionless... kept thinking of air rifle. air rifle. air rifle. air rifle. sometimes i really wan to sit down there and cry.. vent all my frustrations through my tears.. venting my frustrations through being siao doesn't help at all.. after i saw that my score is 566 for today, converting back i got 377. i was quite happy, cos it was my usual standard until i saw that another person got 564. convert back is 376.. she has improved for 4 marks! wow when about a month ago when she got 372 she said she was aiming for 375, while i hav regressed from my personal best of 378. she is getting closer and closer to me each minute.. now i cant stand proud and say that "I AM better than her.. she shouldn't be the main team member". i cant. it's a fact. i cant shoot. i am staying stagnant while she's improving tremendously. how? tell me how. song jiao lian said competition is 70% dependent on mental and 30% dependent on technics cos u dun hav an opponent. i agree with that. my mental is weak. i cannot control my emotions. i juz cant let go. i dun wan to lose. but end up i lose much more. i always tell myself that, but i juz cant do it. WHY???? end up staying stagnant or "di-prove". 361 359 371.. these three scores will forever haunt me. 359. i can actually get 359. with a p700 universal n marksmen house suit. i should go n die. i am wasting the school's and my dad's money. i disappointed them. i dun live up to expectations. i cant. mdm nora said she dun recognise me anymore for today, she said i seemed to have been possessed.. cos i was being super siao today. i crapped i uttered nonsense. i was very reckless today. i cant control myself. maybe that is my inner self ba, i'm super violent. mdm nora was nice to buy us all food, got meiji chicken biscuits! i was flatting the empty box, when suddenly i started to TEAR up the whole box.. i tore and tore and tore until the whole box become many many many small pieces of paper.. even i'm amazed by my own efforts even though kenneth n chee guan did chip in a little. den after that i started to smack a box after i saw yongliang doing it.. juz finding a avenue to release all my frustrations and stress? apparently they r of no use at all. confiding in someone is of no use at all too. when i tell my mum, she doesn't understand much. she only tells me to work harder. tell cynthia, she oso dun understand n oso not very interested. tell kenneth they all, they DO understand, but afterall this doesn't concern them! mdm nora? she dun really care that much.. as seen when i was so siao today, she din even say anything. tell coach? i tink she doesn't care anymore.. she has given up on me. she gave me chances n more chances. but i disappointed her again and again. i cant forgive myself for that. wanted to talk to the coach badly but come to tink of it, she cant help me too. i have to solve this problem by myself, but how? studies n air rifle, juz these two things alone can suffocate me. i trained so hard, neglected school work, den now i'm the reserve. i have lost EVERYTHING. everyone is revising like siao for the eoys, and me? i trained so hard, trying to get back to standard, neglected all my schoolwork, den now i'm the reserve. i'm the reserve. i'm the reserve. i'm the reserve. i'm the reserve. I'M THE RESERVE!!!!!!! i really dun wan to go down on that day to support them. i dun wan. but it makes me a sore loser. but i dun wan. the place was rightfully mine anyway. den now expect me to go down n support them. i DUNWAN. i dun care if people say i am childish. i admit i'm childish i'm immature ok? no matter how mature i look or i try to be, pls give me a chance to be stubborn too? no matter how rational i always try to be, pls give me a chance to be irrational. i dun wan to go.. maybe when i finally sorted out my thoughts i may tink differently. but for now. pls i dun wan to go on that day. i'm even tinking of quiting next year. but i start to tink that i have my suit, i juz bought a new glove, all the aspirations i have of shooting, saying that i still wan to continue shooting even after jc and university. saying that i wan to get into NTT so that i can hav the gun n dun need to spend my dad's money. wow. go n die ba. all these will not happen. sorry dad if i really give up. i have held on for so long. u should noe. no matter what problems i faced in the past, i never gave up shooting.. i continued. but now i really feel that i cant go on. i seldom give up, maybe except art n dancing? even though my piano is horrible, i held on. i dun wan to give up. art is cos i really have no talent. u will noe when u c my drawing. dancing, i'm regretting it now. maybe if i really give up shooting, i'll regret. den prolly i'll get back again. but that will waste a lot of time. muz tink twice. i cant juz give up liddat! fight on fight on! there is still hope!!! oh well, i dun really see hope.

yesterday ba? when i saw xiao xuan's blog saying that she wans to quit air rifle after next year. i actually got this strong urge to encourage her not to. cos we should not give up. especially xiao xuan is very very talented. as seen during the trials when she was sec 1. i believe she loves shooting and is passionate about that. hope that she wun quit ba.. if xiao xuan u r really reading my blog this post, juz to tell u: you still have hope! don't give up ok! U have the talent! Dont' give up! The school needs u to bring glory!

u r unlike me? untalented.. kenneth always says that i have been to nyt before. but that is fake? it's not cos of merit. i din enter nyt cos i was good. anyway it was desiree who should hav gone, but her mum din allow, so i went in her place. anyway the story was, when nyt juz started they actually approached schools asking them to recommend 6 shooters, 3 boys and 3 girls. cannto have sec 4 ppl. so coach recommended jinghuan xiu rong n desiree. but nvm the conclusion is it was not according to merit la.. but it's cos of nyt that i can be where i am now.. thanks to coach spencer? or my hard work? haha.. 369 to 378.. it's a big jump! but i have stayed stagnant. i tink reading my blog is so depressing? after each happy and encouraging sentence, there will be a gloomy one following behind. cant help it. my thoughts, my character are juz so contradicting. i tell myself that i muz have confidence muz believe in myself den next moment i wan to give up so badly. nvm for now, i shall hold on for a while. i will go training tmr.. at least complete "the whole course of training". when school reopens, if there is still training, n i noe i dun hav any more hope, i will not attend. i dun wan to waste time. maybe it's time i give up? i'm very tired.. i always tell myself 拿得起，要放得下. i should learn to give up. i noe the only ting im proud of myself is i have strong determination. but for this time, i hate myself for not willing to give up. my studies will suffer dear determination! but no matter what, dun give up for the moment. at least my conscience is clear. i have worked hard. i have tried my best. i din even give up during the darkest moments. but time is up. it is a fact. i cant shoot.

muz learn to accept the fact. i noe i have got 99 before. twice le, adding today. shows that i still have what it takes right? but prob is i have stayed stagnant for a year. WOW. my score juz dun show that i have what it takes. i tell myself, i have got so many 10s today, to me it's a lot, compared to last time cos i dun make that many mistakes. if all the 7s and 8s shot today were 9s, i would have got much more than 380. but prob is? all the 7s and 8s are still 7s and 8s! they will always be. no matter how many 10s i can get, they still cannot save my scores!!!!! i dun wan these mistakes!!!!! i din make so many of them in the past, why they are coming back??? to haunt me!!! i hate u lar!!! maybe i need to see a psychologist or talk to coach. i seriously need to talk to the coach. tmr? i dun tink she even bothers to talk to me ba. she has given up on me liao. :'( :'( :'( it hurts to fall from a height! let me go cry my heart out.

Hello I'm back! Too gloomy le... n no one bothers to listen to me... maybe cos i'm too irritating? haiz... i really need to throw out everything...

i really really really hate myself.. i have stayed stagnant for 1 plus year le! when can i ever hit 9.5 average??? People are improving fast, and yet i'm staying stagnant. People are overtaking me! but i'm still at the same spot.. this makes me feel very helpless!!! i really hope someone can help me... haiz but i do realize that i can shoot more 10s now... much more than before, maybe owe this to the 1 whole month of training everyday? I have neglected my schoolwork! all because of training, and i'm only the reserve. i really don't know how. i don't understand. is it because it is easier to improve when you're at the bottom but it's much more difficult to improve when you're at the top? even jinghuan is not really improving ba? sorta staying stagnant too, occasionally go up to 9.5 average.. anyway she has hit 9.5 average long long time ago in sec 2 or 3 i cannot remember.. haiz am i really not talented in shooting??? but can't be right, if i can even get into awc.. i always tell myself that i muz hav confidence in myself, but i juz cant do it. i start to encourage people, den after that i'll add that i'm actually telling that to myself. but what for? i encouraged myself, told myself all the right things that i should do, but yet i'm not doing it. i really cannot control my brain anymore.. it likes to drift away to thoughts that shouldn't appear in my head. and i juz complained again during training to kenneth they all that, my first 6 shots today were all 10s.. ran very smoothly too, until i suddenly got a 7.. and it's because i jerked. den after that? i dun dare to fire anymore!!!!!! i'll juz watch the sight revolve around the centre, den my head will tell me "fire! time to fire!" but my finger juz hesitates to pull.. cos i'm afraid i'll jerk again n it'll be a 7 or a 6... NIGHTMARE!!! and kenneth told me coach ho told him that "不敢打是射击的大忌" i totally agree.. haiz started to have this problem before the trials. but later matters became worst when i start to doubt my own position.. cannot find my position den during training, i started to twist here n there until my shots flew everywhere.. even the coach dun bother to see my cards anymore... i'm really really very sad and demoralised. sometimes i really feel like giving up everything. i dun wan to shoot anymore.. it always makes me sad.. still remember i often cried during sec 1 when i couldn't shoot. all the other girls namely jinghuan desiree and xiu rong can start to hit 160 already! i'm still at 120.. i always cry, why izzit that i cant shoot! i even put my msn nickname that "i'm dying to join st johns" cos that was my first choice.. really wanted to give up then, until i started to get 160, and the next moment i was the first one to hit 9 average.. how i wish this scenario will happen again! i really really want to hit 9.5 average.. i noe deep down my technics are already there, but why is my mental JUZ so low... I kept telling myself "敢敢打！敢敢打！这么稳了，没事的！" but still i will hesitate... i'm not bragging or what, but it's really quite stable le, but i juz dun dare to fire off, i wait till i start to shake like hell, den i fire, den after that? jerked off like dunno what until i get 8s, blah blah blah. my dad spent so much money on my suit, i even bought a new glove, i really dun wan to waste his money. i wan to do well! with all the money spent, i OUGHT to do well! but i juz cant live up to expectations! now i'm not even in the team, i dun dare to tell my dad. i dun wan him to be disappointed even though i noe he wun say that he is. i noe when he heard that i got kicked out of nyt, he was quite upset.. but he wans me to focus on my studies.. but my studies is horrible now! i dunno how i can face him, face the challenges in the future... i really need help! shooting is spoiling my mood everyday... i'm gloomy everyday now... when i reach home i dun even wan to do my homework.. i'll juz laze on the sofa and watch the tv expressionless... kept thinking of air rifle. air rifle. air rifle. air rifle. sometimes i really wan to sit down there and cry.. vent all my frustrations through my tears.. venting my frustrations through being siao doesn't help at all.. after i saw that my score is 566 for today, converting back i got 377. i was quite happy, cos it was my usual standard until i saw that another person got 564. convert back is 376.. she has improved for 4 marks! wow when about a month ago when she got 372 she said she was aiming for 375, while i hav regressed from my personal best of 378. she is getting closer and closer to me each minute.. now i cant stand proud and say that "I AM better than her.. she shouldn't be the main team member". i cant. it's a fact. i cant shoot. i am staying stagnant while she's improving tremendously. how? tell me how. song jiao lian said competition is 70% dependent on mental and 30% dependent on technics cos u dun hav an opponent. i agree with that. my mental is weak. i cannot control my emotions. i juz cant let go. i dun wan to lose. but end up i lose much more. i always tell myself that, but i juz cant do it. WHY???? end up staying stagnant or "di-prove". 361 359 371.. these three scores will forever haunt me. 359. i can actually get 359. with a p700 universal n marksmen house suit. i should go n die. i am wasting the school's and my dad's money. i disappointed them. i dun live up to expectations. i cant. mdm nora said she dun recognise me anymore for today, she said i seemed to have been possessed.. cos i was being super siao today. i crapped i uttered nonsense. i was very reckless today. i cant control myself. maybe that is my inner self ba, i'm super violent. mdm nora was nice to buy us all food, got meiji chicken biscuits! i was flatting the empty box, when suddenly i started to TEAR up the whole box.. i tore and tore and tore until the whole box become many many many small pieces of paper.. even i'm amazed by my own efforts even though kenneth n chee guan did chip in a little. den after that i started to smack a box after i saw yongliang doing it.. juz finding a avenue to release all my frustrations and stress? apparently they r of no use at all. confiding in someone is of no use at all too. when i tell my mum, she doesn't understand much. she only tells me to work harder. tell cynthia, she oso dun understand n oso not very interested. tell kenneth they all, they DO understand, but afterall this doesn't concern them! mdm nora? she dun really care that much.. as seen when i was so siao today, she din even say anything. tell coach? i tink she doesn't care anymore.. she has given up on me. she gave me chances n more chances. but i disappointed her again and again. i cant forgive myself for that. wanted to talk to the coach badly but come to tink of it, she cant help me too. i have to solve this problem by myself, but how? studies n air rifle, juz these two things alone can suffocate me. i trained so hard, neglected school work, den now i'm the reserve. i have lost EVERYTHING. everyone is revising like siao for the eoys, and me? i trained so hard, trying to get back to standard, neglected all my schoolwork, den now i'm the reserve. i'm the reserve. i'm the reserve. i'm the reserve. i'm the reserve. I'M THE RESERVE!!!!!!! i really dun wan to go down on that day to support them. i dun wan. but it makes me a sore loser. but i dun wan. the place was rightfully mine anyway. den now expect me to go down n support them. i DUNWAN. i dun care if people say i am childish. i admit i'm childish i'm immature ok? no matter how mature i look or i try to be, pls give me a chance to be stubborn too? no matter how rational i always try to be, pls give me a chance to be irrational. i dun wan to go.. maybe when i finally sorted out my thoughts i may tink differently. but for now. pls i dun wan to go on that day. i'm even tinking of quiting next year. but i start to tink that i have my suit, i juz bought a new glove, all the aspirations i have of shooting, saying that i still wan to continue shooting even after jc and university. saying that i wan to get into NTT so that i can hav the gun n dun need to spend my dad's money. wow. go n die ba. all these will not happen. sorry dad if i really give up. i have held on for so long. u should noe. no matter what problems i faced in the past, i never gave up shooting.. i continued. but now i really feel that i cant go on. i seldom give up, maybe except art n dancing? even though my piano is horrible, i held on. i dun wan to give up. art is cos i really have no talent. u will noe when u c my drawing. dancing, i'm regretting it now. maybe if i really give up shooting, i'll regret. den prolly i'll get back again. but that will waste a lot of time. muz tink twice. i cant juz give up liddat! fight on fight on! there is still hope!!! oh well, i dun really see hope.

yesterday ba? when i saw xiao xuan's blog saying that she wans to quit air rifle after next year. i actually got this strong urge to encourage her not to. cos we should not give up. especially xiao xuan is very very talented. as seen during the trials when she was sec 1. i believe she loves shooting and is passionate about that. hope that she wun quit ba.. if xiao xuan u r really reading my blog this post, juz to tell u: you still have hope! don't give up ok! U have the talent! Dont' give up! The school needs u to bring glory!

u r unlike me? untalented.. kenneth always says that i have been to nyt before. but that is fake? it's not cos of merit. i din enter nyt cos i was good. anyway it was desiree who should hav gone, but her mum din allow, so i went in her place. anyway the story was, when nyt juz started they actually approached schools asking them to recommend 6 shooters, 3 boys and 3 girls. cannto have sec 4 ppl. so coach recommended jinghuan xiu rong n desiree. but nvm the conclusion is it was not according to merit la.. but it's cos of nyt that i can be where i am now.. thanks to coach spencer? or my hard work? haha.. 369 to 378.. it's a big jump! but i have stayed stagnant. i tink reading my blog is so depressing? after each happy and encouraging sentence, there will be a gloomy one following behind. cant help it. my thoughts, my character are juz so contradicting. i tell myself that i muz have confidence muz believe in myself den next moment i wan to give up so badly. nvm for now, i shall hold on for a while. i will go training tmr.. at least complete "the whole course of training". when school reopens, if there is still training, n i noe i dun hav any more hope, i will not attend. i dun wan to waste time. maybe it's time i give up? i'm very tired.. i always tell myself 拿得起，要放得下. i should learn to give up. i noe the only ting im proud of myself is i have strong determination. but for this time, i hate myself for not willing to give up. my studies will suffer dear determination! but no matter what, dun give up for the moment. at least my conscience is clear. i have worked hard. i have tried my best. i din even give up during the darkest moments. but time is up. it is a fact. i cant shoot.

muz learn to accept the fact. i noe i have got 99 before. twice le, adding today. shows that i still have what it takes right? but prob is i have stayed stagnant for a year. WOW. my score juz dun show that i have what it takes. i tell myself, i have got so many 10s today, to me it's a lot, compared to last time cos i dun make that many mistakes. if all the 7s and 8s shot today were 9s, i would have got much more than 380. but prob is? all the 7s and 8s are still 7s and 8s! they will always be. no matter how many 10s i can get, they still cannot save my scores!!!!! i dun wan these mistakes!!!!! i din make so many of them in the past, why they are coming back??? to haunt me!!! i hate u lar!!! maybe i need to see a psychologist or talk to coach. i seriously need to talk to the coach. tmr? i dun tink she even bothers to talk to me ba. she has given up on me liao. :'( :'( :'( it hurts to fall from a height! let me go cry my heart out.